What is success?

I’m sitting here in my shared office at work.  I took yesterday off with a day’s notice so I could spend time with my family.  This morning I came in early so I could be on a conference call with  client in Germany.  I’ve been working on reports all morning but that’s done and now I’m letting my random thoughts drift through my mind.

To be honest I love my job.  I have zero stress and great colleagues.  I have more freedom than I’ve ever had at work and I’m able to learn new things all the time.  I honestly feel like this is the best job I’ve ever had and yet this morning I feel like a failure.

I had a friend send me a text that I’m sure was well intentioned but it triggered this sort of anxiety that I suppose if pretty typical for a 35 year old male who’s married with 4 kids.  I felt stuck.  He mentioned the possibility of a job opportunity.  It had amazing benefits and seemed like it might actually be better than this one.  But it was in a different city.  Could I really uproot my family just to chase money? Money. Something I try not to care about but it’s something I need to.

Now when I say I need to care that’s because it’s an asset that is to be managed and something that can be a tool toward greater flexibility or freedom.  At the same time it can be the cruelest slave driver with no regard to your hopes and dreams.  I either heard or read recently that living in America we are all part of the 1%.  The 1% that isn’t living in true poverty, without clean water, fresh food and good cell phone coverage so I can stream the NBA finals on my phone during church. Yeah, I did that but it was the finals!

I find myself able to discount all that I have been given by God and begin to feel worthless.  That word, worthless, is so harsh.  What are you worth less than?  Jesus gave his life for me so it’s impossible for me to not have some worth.  How much is the life of a man worth especially when given for another?  Yet it was given as a gift so maybe worthless and priceless are much closer than we would commonly think.

In any case I know I have a lot to be thankful for.  I know I have a lot to learn and there is much more to accomplish in life.  I also know that I could be working a lot harder and a lot smarter.  Focus and dedication is something that has been weighing in on my heart lately and maybe it’s just time to really cut out the extras.  I need to focus on what’s important.  I need to focus on change.  Dare I say, I need to focus on me?

I supposed I never got around to answering my first question.  What is success?  Is it a big house?  Is it a nice car?  Is it a corner office?  I think I’m coming to realize that it’s not giving up.  I won’t give up on me.  I won’t give up on learning.  I won’t give up on trying.