“We have to wait on them to fix everything and everyday they feel like they are failing us.” – Lucille Gould (Cinderella Man)

I wish I could give my wife everything her heart desired.  I wish there were no limits to what I could provide but there are.  I think this is something that is common to all men.  Deep within us is a drive to be the hero to our families.  We want to save the day and be there to deliver them from disappointment, fear or pain.  If we aren’t able to do this in some capacity, real or perceived, we feel useless.  It’s a blessing and a curse but something that will always hang over our head.

I clearly remember staring into my wife’s eyes on our wedding day as we stood holding hands about to jump into the uncertain void of adulthood.  I was 20 years old and had ignored the half hearted attempts by my parents requesting that we wait.  I had a confidence that I would be able to meet any and every want and desire my wife could ever come up with.  Her eyes looked back into mine without a shimmer of doubt that I was going to be someone she could place her full faith in.

At the time I drove a 1972 Cadillac that she bought for me on a whim.  Gas was $4.35/gal and it was pouring water out of the engine block as fast as I could pour it in the radiator.  Now you might think it was a bad idea to drive a car that could only travel 180 miles on 27 gallons of gas and cost over $100 to fill up.  To me it was the embodiment of our hopes and dreams.  Regardless of how impractical it was we would be willing to chase after it.  As we stood before our friends and family we whispered to each out about fixing the motor, upgrades and future plans.  I kid you not, we talked about working on my car at the alter.

As I look back it’s a more telling moment then I ever realized.  We had so much uncertainty before us and we didn’t care.  We just had each other and that was all that mattered.  We will be celebrating our 15th anniversary soon and probably against all odds we are making it though it hasn’t been easy.  We’ve grown, changed, added to our family and taken on new roles as parents, teachers, coaches and providers.  It’s not just us anymore; we’ve got this family that depends on us.  As a man, I feel they really depend on me.

My wife and kids don’t ask for much and we lead relatively simple lives.  It’s been a huge blessing and my wife is probably one of the most resourceful and hardworking people I know.  And although I know she appreciates me I also know she is human and with that comes wants and desires and hopes and dreams.  Some of those we’ve accomplished but others still seem so far and out of grasp.  That’s where I struggle.  How do I get to those dreams that just seem too big?

The county I live in is ranked in the top 10 for least affordable place to live in the US.  We’ve been able to exist as a largely single income household because of our modest lifestyle and some help from my parents.  Over the past couple of years it seems this is no longer possible.  I feel so conflicted that my wife needed to start working.  In order for her to continue to homeschool the kids and work almost full time she really pushed herself to her limits.  I know this wasn’t what she had in mind on that sunny day in 2002.  I’ve since started working additional side gigs along with my full time job, online classes, coaching, learning to code and trying to get back in shape.

I feel like I don’t have time in the day for anything else but I also feel like it’s not enough.  It’s not the dream she had.  It’s been a lot more for worse rather than for better.  It’s never been for richer but has almost always been for poorer.  I look around and I just don’t know how other people make it.  Are they really doing that much better or am I just horribly underachieving?  I feel like people all around me are making moves and achieving new heights and I’m in that same old place.

Maybe it is me.  Maybe I just don’t know how to do better.  I looked at building a website this weekend to sell fidget spinners.  I have a coworker who said they’ve been doing well online and it’s seems pretty easy but I don’t know where to start.  Alibaba isn’t as easy as everyone seems to say it is and I consider myself pretty savvy.  So my domain sits there with a trial Squarespace site that may never get built.  I guess I just have myself to blame.

The rent gets paid, the kids get to play sports and we have all the basics.  Maybe it’s a frame of mind that needs to shift.  We actually don’t have debt right now which is the first time in long time.  In a sense we’ve made progress but I don’t know how to move further.  I feel like there is this time clock ticking as my children get older.  They will be graduating high school sooner than later and I’m not sure if that will bring more or less expense.  I think in their heads they assume they will pay for college.  I’m proud they feel that way but I wish it wasn’t because I don’t think I could ever afford to do so for my 4 children.

I don’t really know how I’ll do it but I know it will get done.  God has always been faithful to provide for us in abundance.  I suppose the bigger lesson here is I need to keep my faith in him and stop worrying about this sort of thing.  In reality he is the one who is providing not me.  So I guess as long as I rely on him I’ll be able to provide for my family.  Thankfully I believe that’s all they expect of me which I’m grateful for because it’s all I can give to them.