Today I ran across a song by Andy Mineo called Honest 2 God that just really touched my heart.  I am a big fan of his and have seen him perform on a few different occasions and really enjoy his work.  It’s easy to just assume that he’s doing big things and working on new projects and life is good.  I hear his music and even when he raps about struggles it seems they are from times past and not something he still deals with.

When I heard this song and he made mention of how he’s questioned his beliefs and dealt with depression in December 2016 it was almost shocking.  I had seen him the previous spring and had such a good time at his concert.  For the finale I helped him balance on the railing in front of the stage as he rapped “You can’t stop me” and felt like it was just such a hyped show.  He had some new songs drop over the summer and hinted at a new tour with the Social Club Misfits (another favorite of mine).  I would have guess things were going great.  I mean, I follow him on Instagram and Twitter and it was awesome.  At least it seemed awesome.

To hear the word depression was almost shocking.  It’s a word that most people won’t use.  It’s almost taboo to do so.  Depression seems like something that only affects people with dark lives and no hope.  So often depression is associated with suicide and the two are never something people want to acknowledge.  I could picture him at his breakfast table, cereal getting soggy and just breaking down.  The pressure of life just becoming too much to hold in any longer and his emotion just taking over.

As men we are often taught to be tough and deal with it.  Tears are reserved for the weak.  I’m in a good place right now.  Life is always a struggle to a certain extent but I’ve been able to handle things pretty well.  This isn’t always the case though.  There were times in my life that I had to deal with depression.  I remember discussing with a friend and while sharing I was sure to minimize what I felt.  “You could say I was depressed.” was a phrase I often used.  I almost felt like I didn’t want to use that label because that was too far.  I was trying to tell myself that I wasn’t that sad, this was minimal and it would pass.

From the outside I was so blessed and seemed to have a charmed life I felt like I had to keep up appearances.  Social media was a place where I could live through these curated snapshots.  I could post something cool and watch the likes roll in.  It helped me blur the real feelings of pain that existed.  I remember wishing I would be rescued and feeling so alone.  I felt like no one could see the sorrow that was inside.  I remember sitting on a park bench watching the ocean wishing a friend would come up and tap me on the shoulder.  Hoping they would say they had been thinking about me and I would be able to pour out my soul.

Despite the many friends I have I still felt so lost.  Despite my faith I felt alone. Despite my family I felt like I had to fight on my own.  These thoughts can be perpetuated by the posts of your friends online.  Everyone posting highlights and their best days.  It can produce the illusion that they don’t have the same dark times you do.  In reality most people have those same feelings.  When it’s quiet and the friends aren’t online anymore.  When you don’t have any responses to your last tweet the silence can be deafening.

It’s important to have these honest moments with yourself.  It’s also important to have these moments with God.  It’s too easy to get stuck in these feelings.  You can end up attempting to self medicate or seek solace in destructive ways.  I was a stress eater.  I remember feeling so low and going to stuff my face.  In the last 15 years I’ve put on 150 pounds.  It’s a constant reminder of how long I kept my feelings inside.  Now as I try to shed the weight it’s like I’m trying to shed the low feelings that have kept me there for so long.

I have found my greatest comfort in Jesus Christ.  He is faithful to be there when no one else was.  So many times I have read the Psalms and cried out to Him.  He’s spoken to my heart and reminded me that He loves me.  I know that can sound cliche and stupid but it’s truth.  If I can share anything with you it’s that His love is the only constant that you can truly depend on. The grace that is found there will allow you to continue to run your race.  In that same grace he can also bring friends that will be there for you.  Ride or die friends that you can count on.  This doesn’t mean they will find you when you wallow in your own pity.  It means they will meet you for coffee at 3 am because that’s what you need.

If you are in a place where you feel all alone please know that Jesus waits for you to cry to him. He will come and surround you with His love and grace but you have to surrender yourself to him.  I know we may not know each out but I’ll also be there for. I’m more than happy to pray for you and check in on you.  I’ve made some really amazing friends on the internet and I’m thankful they have been there for me.  You are not alone.  We are all running this race called life and sometimes when you move from one pack to another you won’t have any other runners around you.  It doesn’t mean you’re alone on the course it just means you are making progress as you catch those ahead of you.

Blessed are those that mourn for they shall be comforted.

Like Andy said, “Must be doin’ somethin’ right to get this opposition
Meanin’ I should go the hardest when I feel like quittin”.  Don’t stop fighting.  It’s ok if it seems hard.  It’s ok if you feel like you can’t continue.  It’s even ok if you cry.  Just don’t give up.  There is a greater hope of the promise of eternal life.  Don’t let today ruin tomorrow.