life | Fatherhood Remixed

Am I a good provider

Posted on June 20, 2017 by Workshop Joe

“We have to wait on them to fix everything and everyday they feel like they are failing us.” – Lucille Gould (Cinderella Man)

I wish I could give my wife everything her heart desired. I wish there were no limits to what I could provide but there are. I think this is something that is common to all men. Deep within us is a drive to be the hero to our families. We want to save the day and be there to deliver them from disappointment, fear or pain. If we aren’t able to do this in some capacity, real or perceived, we feel useless. It’s a blessing and a curse but something that will always hang over our head.

I clearly remember staring into my wife’s eyes on our wedding day as we stood holding hands about to jump into the uncertain void of adulthood. I was 20 years old and had ignored the half hearted attempts by my parents requesting that we wait. I had a confidence that I would be able to meet any and every want and desire my wife could ever come up with. Her eyes looked back into mine without a shimmer of doubt that I was going to be someone she could place her full faith in.

A father on Father’s Day.

Posted on June 19, 2017 by Workshop Joe

I slept in pretty late. I was exhausted. I had been out driving for Uber till around 3am and barely made it home. This was probably the closest I came to falling asleep at the wheel on my way home but that’s another story. As I lay in bed, somewhere between slumber and being awake, I can hear my kids playing in the front room. It’s Father’s Day and I’m thankful they let me sleep in.

They eventually made their way into the bedroom asking for me to get cereal for them for breakfast. We usually have cereal Saturdays but we were busy and had to postpone. They brought me a card they had put together. My wife had helped them make it complete with the purple and gold of the Lakers. They thanked me for loving them and for working hard to provide for them.

Distractions

Posted on June 16, 2017 by Workshop Joe

Sometimes there isn’t even a notification. I’ll check my phone, swearing I heard or felt an alert and there is nothing there. As if that wasn’t bad enough I work at a computer all day with the freedom to have multiple windows open. A few of those windows are always Facebook and Twitter. I see the indicators that there is a message and I’m compelled to click or I might miss something.

I was a very early adopter to digital media. It’s something I’ve always enjoyed and I loved to be in the know. At one point, when Blackberries were still cool, you could reach me a million different ways. I had BBM, Twitter, Email (several accounts), SMS, Facebook and of course you could call. I had custom alerts for each one so I knew what I got without even looking.

Today I’m so connected that I’m constantly being interrupted. The problem is I don’t see them as interruptions. I see these alerts as fuel for my creativity. I see new ideas, posts or thoughts and it sets me off into my own rabbit hole. Just as I’m getting ready to really dive in there I get another alert, another idea and another rabbit hole. I’ve dug so many but none are very deep.

Just pondering…

Posted on June 15, 2017 by Workshop Joe

What is success?

I’m sitting here in my shared office at work. I took yesterday off with a day’s notice so I could spend time with my family. This morning I came in early so I could be on a conference call with client in Germany. I’ve been working on reports all morning but that’s done and now I’m letting my random thoughts drift through my mind.

To be honest I love my job. I have zero stress and great colleagues. I have more freedom than I’ve ever had at work and I’m able to learn new things all the time. I honestly feel like this is the best job I’ve ever had and yet this morning I feel like a failure.

I had a friend send me a text that I’m sure was well intentioned but it triggered this sort of anxiety that I suppose if pretty typical for a 35 year old male who’s married with 4 kids. I felt stuck. He mentioned the possibility of a job opportunity. It had amazing benefits and seemed like it might actually be better than this one. But it was in a different city. Could I really uproot my family just to chase money? Money. Something I try not to care about but it’s something I need to.